This may sound strange, but I understand exactly what you’re saying. In the beginning, the exhaustion hit me so hard it felt like my body and nerves were running at maximum overload. I was completely worn down, physically and emotionally. Then, strangely, a calm came over me, and I started asking myself, “What happens if I don’t follow through with treatment?”
I realized that not continuing would mean choosing a very painful way to leave this earth. And as exhausted and scared as I was, my family loved me too much for me not to fight. I loved them too much to put them through that. So I kept going, even on the days when I wasn’t sure how I was going to find the strength.

Whew - no recurrence. Now, living in the days post-PET scan, I can say that the fear of missing and loving all of those I love has brought about a keen appreciation of life that I hope to bottle for the future. Walking down a country road this morning with the dissipating hurricane clouds flying over (I'm in the Carolinas), I enjoyed tracking the animal's nighttime activities through their prints, fall wild flowers, cotton bolls, ahhh simple, joyful life. The fear has been drained (until the next scan!) and filled to the top with appreciation. Again, I appreciate your thoughts about your individual journey(s). Zannie

I’m on my sixth treatment, another clinical trial, for refractory DLBCL (I’ve had R-CHOP, allogeneic CAR-T, autologous CAR-T, and 2 clinical trials). Therefore, I have undergone many PET scans; it gets easier over time. My current treatment is going okay (it’s kept the cancer from growing; it’s stable). I am also a Christian and a professor in a science field at a Big 10 University.

I have struggled a lot lately with the very question you propose. I will say, though, that being scientific in nature does not preclude a belief in God. The two can and does exist in tandem. Frankly, I can’t imagine going through this experience without God.

For me, the question you framed is more about surrendering myself to Jesus—letting all the anxiety, fear, etc. go and accepting the fact that, regardless of what I do or don’t do, that it is all going to work out one way or another and it will be good because God is good. Surrendering to Jesus does not mean that you have to stop fighting. Frankly, I’m not 100% there yet, but I’m getting closer and closer every day.

That said, since you are not a believer, I think you can just consider the fact that none of the fears and anxiety you are experiencing are doing you any good. It’s not going to change the outcome, so why bother letting your mind “go there”? I realize that this is easier said than done, but it is true, regardless of whether you are a Christian or not.

I think it’s great to hear perspectives like yours on this site. No one wants to talk about these things and just be “positive.” But there are a number of people like you and me who don’t follow the traditional model of treatment and remission, and without these kinds of conversations, it’s very isolating when all you hear is how great everyone has done with their treatments. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy for those who have done well and I don’t begrudge their success in the least bit. It would just be nice if the tent was open a little wider to include people who haven’t done as well.

Best of luck to you and I will pray for you, as well.

My husband is now going thru his own cancer journey. Who knew we both would get cancer within 3 years of each other ? He had somewhat strayed from the his Catholic up bringing and even his faith somewhat when we first got together 16 years ago. I really feel God knew what He was doing when a few years before my diagnosis a friend invited us to her new small church which changed our lives. I was diagnosed and had a church family and God to care for me but mainly to hold him up. Now they and He are doing it again. We would not have this peace in our lives without His presence .

All, the heart felt responses are food for thought. Today, I will ponder your spiritual beliefs, personal experiences and even Dostoyevsky, who I haven't read in 50 years. Mostly though, lifting my head up and 'seeing' all of you and your stories instead of navel gazing, that's a very good thing. Thank you.